***WARNING: THIS HAS A COUPLE STAR WARS SPOILERS - YOU’VE BEEN WARNED***
Anyone who knows me knows it was only a matter of time before I wrote about The Last Jedi, but I really wanted to think on it a bit and not just charge in yelling “Shut the hell up, you know nothing of Star Wars, you sorry little pisspots”, which was my initial reaction to the divisive audience reaction to this film.
Having seen the film 5 times (This should not surprise you), I finally think I can weigh in properly on all the complaints this film has been facing. But that post will come later. FIRST you need to understand the complicated nature of this issue, and to do that, you need to understand…...the fans…..
This is not a two-sides kinda fight, and it is not the first of its kind. You need to understand that there are several types of Star Wars fans out there, each convinced they are superior and that they are the last word on the Star Wars Saga...including me. We all have loves and hates, and cornucopias of trivial information that make us think we are way smarter and better than you because we read things like “Star Wars: The Essential Guide to Vehicles and Vessels”........yes, I do own that.....and a Star Wars wildlife guide.....for wildlife that doesn’t exist…...where was I.....The following information is biased….because I wrote it…..ok here we go;
*The following information is opinion-based and may offend some of my fellow Star Wars brethren*
-The Lovers - These people are either the best of us or the stupidest. They love every Star Wars film hands down and can enjoy each and every one of them without bias or complaint. They have no criteria that needs met, no characters they need more of, or less. They just sit and watch, and have a damn good time while they do it. Salt of the Earth, these people, even tho I’m not one of them.
-The Lucas Haters - This is my team and we are kinda hypocrites. We love his INITIAL vision which was expressed in A New Hope and his consulting on the creation of Empire Strikes Back and Return of the Jedi. That, however, is where it ends. We loathe and despise every change he has made to the original films and spit on the Prequel films and anybody who likes them (I never said I was right here, this is just how I feel ok). We hate Jar-Jar, we hate baby Anakin who can’t act and we HATE adult Anakin who can't act and whines about EVERYTHING EVERYWHERE ALL THE TIME! Hell, I hate the concept of midichlorians so much that when people use the term around me, I threaten to kick them out of my home. We also believe his obsession with CG and Green-Screen not only killed his own franchise, but was partially responsible for the Transformers-esque bastardization of cinematic creation. We also bowed down to the almighty DIsney when they resurrected Star Wars from the ashes and breathed new life into the franchise. We love Force Awakens, we love Rogue One and we love Last Jedi...and we irrationally hate the people that dont like them. We blindly defend them even when the other teams find a completely rational argument against us. We are obnoxious as hell, possibly the most annoying type of fan out there, but Disney loves us cause we give them money and buy all the things.
-The Record-Keepers - They stand with the relics of the past like Indiana Jones, shouting “These belong in a MUSEUM!”, as Disney laughs and says “SO DO YOU!”. You could call them true believers, traditionalists, annoying...ok that last one was mean. Basically, they only love the original trilogy. They aren't interested in the Saturday morning cartoons that are the prequels OR the money-hungry, toy-selling Sequel films from the House of Mouse. They yearn for an older time, a simpler time. A time where Han shot first, where midichlorians aren’t even an afterthought and a time where a ball with a face isn’t half of every movie. I get their stance, I can respect their stance, but I am not one of them. How can you not want K2SO in your life?
-The Film Critics - I call them the Pretenders myself. They only truly love Empire Strikes Back. Everything else is inferior, everything else has flaws, everything else doesn’t even deserve to get made because we must all bow down to this one movie because it is the only true demonstration of character development and plot in the entire franchise...in their opinion. They are some of the worst. They left Force Awakens saying “This is just a redo of A New Hope”. They left Rogue One saying “This didn’t even need to be made, and it was so boring”. They left Last Jedi saying things like “What a trainwreck of storytelling, the pacing is all over the place”. At the end of their incessant whining, they always say the same thing…”It’ll never be better than Empire, nothing will”. Now I agree that Empire is by far the best movie, but that doesn’t mean that the other films are bad in comparison. These people are, for the most part, conceited douchebags. Most of em hate Marvel movies too...literally they are no fun to watch anything with…
-The Gungans - Yes...these people exist...I’ve met a few. They were born during the time of the Prequels, they only encountered Star Wars by watching the Prequels AND they love them (I wholeheartedly blame their parents for not introducing them to these movies properly). But then, when the time came to see the next chapter in the Skywalker story, we heard phrases like “These are kinda boring, I really can’t get into them”. Such phrases burn your skin and fill you rage, but hey, it's not our place to tell them otherwise. They think Force Awakens is pretty ok, but found Last Jedi to be very boring (Probably because they’ve never encountered character development before...). Most of them haven’t even seen Rogue One and probably don’t wanna. They believe you can win a duel by standing on a 4 foot hill and that a whole tribe of ball-tossing duck-people can take on 100,000 ROBOTS WITH GUNS and get through it with next to no casualties and they can watch a bunch of weirdos in robes sit and talk through half of their movies. Good for them…to each their own...I hope I never meet another…
-The Church of EU - The Expanded Universe as its called, is a massive addition to Star Wars lore. It’s all the books, games and comics about Star Wars that were designed to follow our heroes after Return of the Jedi. There is also material focused around the Prequel era. It’s a world from which Grand Admiral Thrawn was born, look him up he’s epic. Boba Fett has a story amongst all these books, like a real story where he speaks and does shit! It is a world where Chewbacca died, and we all cried heavy nerd tears. It was all amazing and fun and crazy!…..and Disney decided that none of it counts anymore. They want to go their own way, without having to dodge a pre-existing plot point on page 212 of some random Star Wars book from 1996. I respect that myself, but some others simply cannot. They look down on Disney’s creation, not just the films, but the books and comics Disney has made since then. They say things like “There’s no reason Kylo and Rey couldn’t have been the Solo Twins” and “I can’t believe they never made Shadows of the EMpire a movie, it was so perfect”. They can be rather obnoxious about it, but I can see where they are comin from. I loved all those books and stuff too, and still read them, but I also read the new stuff too. Suck it up guys c’mon now...They gave us back Thrawn, maybe one day they will give us Starkiller from Force Unleashed or even Kyle Katarn! BE OPTIMISTIC! WATCH REBELS! WORK WITH ME HERE!!!
-The Newbies - *Data Missing* I assume there are people out there who only like the brand new Disney stuff, but I haven’t met any yet so I got nothin here.
-Last Jedi Haters - This is also a pretty short entry. Some people love Star Wars but just couldn’t get into this film whatsoever and I get that, for reasons I’ll get into in my Last Jedi review. Their love of Star Wars can be anywhere on the scale, they simply did not like this one film. It happens, we gotta live with it...
The Theorists - These are the ones I can’t stand. They crawl out of their basement caves onto the nearest Reddit and tell you that they’ve had a brainwave and that everyone has to hear about it. Then places like MovieWeb publish articles about it, and you click it...because you’re bored and then you find out that it is some of the dumbest shit imaginable. The biggest one that traveled the interweb for about 3 years, and still does, suggests that Jar-Jar Binks was actually a super secret Sith in super secret stealth mode and that he manipulated the ENTIRE situation in the Prequels so that the Emperor could come to power and create Darth Vader...Jar-Jar fucking Binks….a Sith…I refuse to touch that with a 20 foot pole. These people had a helluva time before Last Jedi too. They said Supreme Leader Snoke was Mace WIndu back from the dead....or Palpatine back from the dead!...or Darth Plagueis the Wise back from the dead! They said Rey was a Kenobi...or a Skywalker...or Kylo Ren’s secret sister…or a reincarnation of Anakin Skywalker! All of these theories are real...you can look them up if you want...and they are all freakin dumb. These people never stop, they chase plot holes like dogs chase cars, thinking they can get it but never do...ever...not even close. So when Last Jedi came out, they bitched about everything. Rey’s parentage was terrible, Snoke was terrible, Leia having the Force was terrible, “Why couldn’t they have done what I wanted???”. I despise fan theories and the attention they get. Just watch the damn movie and shut up...also go outside and meet some other humans without using Reddit…sheesh…
This information really doesn’t tell you how to deal with these people, just that they exist. It’s up to you how you go about handling yourself if you wind up in a conversation with one. Despite how they sound here, we aren't that bad, I promise, but you must not let any of us anywhere influence how to feel about The Last Jedi. Fact of the matter is, its impossible for Disney to please all of us, it simply can't be done. People are gonna hate this movie, others are gonna love it, but all that matters is how they tell you about it. The worst type of fan is the one that tells you that liking something is stupid….unless its the prequels...or Jar-Jar…..or midichlorians….did I mention I’m a hypocrite?
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