“You read what others had done and you took the next step. You didn't earn the knowledge for yourselves, so you don't take any responsibility for it. You stood on the shoulders of geniuses to accomplish something as fast as you could, and before you even knew what you had, you patented it, and packaged it, and slapped it on a plastic lunchbox, and now you’re selling it! You’re gonna sell it!”~~~Ian Malcolm
A phenomenal quote from the very first Jurassic Park film...that has suddenly become fitting for the franchise from which it came.
Universal appears to have lost their damn minds over Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom. After the surprisingly awesome Jurassic World, most of us JP fans have been dying for a peek at the upcoming sequel. Universal fed us tidbit after tidbit after tidbit after tidbit of information and a barrage of 3 second clips of the trailer before the eventual trailer debut this past Thursday. At first I thought they were just really over-hyping the film to the fanbase, but after the trailer debut, I’m pretty sure this was all out of caution because they have lost faith in it at this point.
It all started with news stories dropping earlier this year. Stories promising a scarier sequel with higher stakes, new dinosaurs, the return of some classic dinosaurs, practical effects like the originals and the long awaited return of Ian Malcolm (Jeff Goldblum really making a comeback recently, but I reckon that’s a conversation best saved for a podcast)
Then strike one came in the form of the cast announcements. Head on over the IMDB cast page for this movie and checkout a list of some of the roles being cast. Some of my favorites include Indian Gangster, Submarine Pilot, Saudi Royals Auction Consultant, Jungle Mercenary, “Secret Agent at the Corporate Courtroom” and The Intern (You know that guy is gonna die lol). There’s also a kid. Not unlike Dr Grant, in these movies, I’ve grown to hate kids. They put em in every single Jurassic Park movie and, with the exception of the very first one, it’s the same result every time. They get in the way, be whiny/emotional, and prevent the levels of violence most of us want at this point from these movies. Be bold Universal! Give me an R-rated Jurassic Park movie about poachers hosting an illegal hunting competition on the long forgotten islands and getting caught up in a violent cat and mouse game with Raptors or in a fight for their lives against some of the larger predators. That will be 10,000 times better than this Fallen Kingdom volcano bullshitery that you’ve come up with here.
*****Call it “Jurassic Park: Apex”...You’re welcome!*****
Strike two appeared to us in the form of advertising. Never in the history of cinema has a movie trailer been more obnoxiously introduced then this one. Sunday, December 3rd, Universal announced that the trailer would arrive the following Thursday via Thursday Night Football. With the announcement there was a trailer tease (I have an entirely separate rant about those that I will save for later) that showed like 10 seconds of footage to try and amp fans up for the trailer drop. This is not abnormal so I thought nothing of it. Monday December 4th, a second trailer tease dropped featuring 5 seconds of new footage to hype the trailer some more. Tuesday the fifth, we got a 3 minute mini-doc about making the movie, that featured SOME MORE footage from the trailer including show a bit of Goldblum (shouldn’t have been shown at all and saved for the film.). Wednesday there was another tease, again with unseen footage. Thursday, THE DAY THE TRAILER WAS COMING OUT, they showed another tease in the morning with MORE NEW FOOTAGE. You saw like half the trailer before the trailer even came out, what the hell is that?! WHO DOES THAT?!
I know, I know, you can argue “Well you chose to watch all of them” and yes I did, but that doesn’t make this scenario any less idiotic…
At last the trailer arrived…..to a collective “meh” from viewing audiences. You can already tell the story is lacking, you can already tell the new characters aren’t that interesting and you can already tell that they are just recreating famous moments/plots from the older films. It is as if Transformers and Jurassic Park have had a hideous abomination baby. And they totally lied out of their asses to us about adding more practical effects, it was a CGI mess, and not just the dinosaurs. A volcano erupts on the island...InGen rebuilt this entire park on an island that could blow at any minute OR somehow had no idea that there was any danger of this despite having modern technology at their disposal. Regardless, Captain High Heels from the last movie (I forget her name/I don’t care) has decided these dinosaurs must be saved from re-extinction and taken off the island to safety. A federal court delegates over this, we get a testimony from Ian Malcolm, and based on the footage, clearly they voted to save them. Volcano erupts mid-rescue, dinos panic, carnage, destruction, death, CGI, bla-bla-bla...yawn, the end.
FYI; that courtroom testimony is the only Malcolm you’re getting in this movie. It’s a glorified cameo folks...which they only admitted AFTER the trailer dropped. You were promised the return of Malcolm, and you’re gonna get about 45 seconds of him…There’s also rumors of a Dr. Alan Grant appearance. If that’s even the slightest bit true, you better believe he will only be in there for 30 seconds or less because he legitimately hates his Dr Grant role and hates talking about Jurassic Park anything...
In all fairness, Universal claims all of the trailer footage is only from the first half of the film and that there could be shitload of cool stuff coming that we have not seen. They also showed nothing about Dr. Wu or what he’s doing with those stolen embryos so there could be a decent subplot hiding in that mess somewhere. However, to me this is clearly a massive departure from Jurassic films of the past. It feels like it’s lost its soul, like this film is solely for a quick buck and nothing more. Another blink-and-it’s gone summer blockbuster as empty and pointless as a MIchael Bay film. I do truly hope I’m wrong but I, and everyone I know who have seen this trailer, don’t have a lot of faith in this…
At least we can be sure it'll be better than Jurassic Park 3, as it is physically impossible to make a Jurassic Park film that is worse than 3.